By an Anonymous Contributor
It was a warm, summers evening, a Saturday when me and two of my friends had planned a night out in our local town, one of my friends was staying over with me, I was living at my parents house at the time, me and my friend who was staying over got ready whilst having a few glasses of wine, and then walked into town to meet our other friend at our favourite bar, we were tipsy from the wine, and looking forward to a girly night out. We met up with our friend in the bar and decided to have some Portuguese Sangria, we sat outside in the warm and sunny summers evening drinking the sangria, chatting, laughing and taking selfies, we were all single, feeling free, confident, and having fun together.
After a while we decided to go to another bar, which was very quiet, so decided to return to the first bar, when we entered the bar, we were greeted by a chap that we knew, and would see out regularly at weekends, he greeted us and asked us what we were drinking, we said we like Prosecco, and so he proceeded to order a bottle from the bar which was brought over to us and put in one of those wine holder stands with ice in, I thought that was a bit Flash, but felt treated and ‘special’, we all chatted, and had a laugh together, we chatted to people we knew, and had a fun evening, at one point I said to one of my friends I was going to the ladies, she came with me, in there she told me that this chap had been rubbing ‘himself’ against her and whispering things he’d like to do to her in her ear, she pushed him away and laughed it off.
I felt disgusted hearing this, and said let’s keep away from him! So we distanced ourselves when we returned to the bar. A bit later when us ladies decided we were going to go home, we said our goodbyes to friends and the chap heard us, he said, “I’ll walk you home.”
I replied sternly, “there’s no need, there’s three of us!”
But he followed us out of the bar! I just thought, ah he’ll probably just chat to us whilst we walk and then go off home, but he didn’t, he caught up with one of my friends who we were walking to her house first, he was asking her if she had any drink at hers, and if he could come in for a drink, she replied: “nope, I’m tired and I’m going straight to bed!”
He was pestering her, but she wasn’t having any of it, we said our goodbyes to her and she went into her house, me and my friend who was staying over continued to walk home, and this chap was tagging along with us, I didn’t feel threatened or anything as I was with my friend, and just assumed he would leave us to walk to his house, but he didn’t, he asked me if I had any drink in the house, and I said there won’t be much, if any, I could tell he wanted more alcohol, even though he’d told us he’d been out at the races all day drinking! I thought, ok well he’ll come in for one drink and then go, all three of us went into the house (my parents we’re away that weekend – which at some point I’d mentioned in passing) I found some JD & coke and asked the chap and my friend if they’d like one, I poured us all a drink and we sat down in the living room, I took a sip and just thought, I’d had enough and just wanted my bed.
We all chatted, my friend went outside for a cigarette and at some point came back in and said she was heading off to bed, I stood up as I wanted to go to bed too, as I was tired and I knew I had a long journey the following day, he stood up and just grinned at me, but he didn’t look as if he was going to leave, so as I was desperate to go to bed, I said, “look, you’re welcome to have the sofa, I’ll get you a blanket.”
He just grinned, I ran upstairs and got a throw and a pillow out of the airing cupboard, I brought them downstairs and put them on the arm of the sofa near where he’d been sitting, he lunged towards me and tried to kiss me! I pushed him away and said “Whatcha doing!?” He just grinned at me, I said “I’m going to bed now, night!” And closed the living room door behind me and went upstairs, I got my pjs on, my friend was upstairs getting into her (spare room) bed too, I cleaned my teeth etc, went into my parents bedroom (as that’s where I was staying) closed the door, and got into bed and fell asleep immediately. It wasn’t until the very early hours that I woke, I was lying on my side, facing the curtains, it wasn’t dark but wasn’t light either, and I quickly came to the realisation that ‘he’ was behind me, inside me, thrusting in and out, and I’d been asleep! I shouted out “I don’t want to have sex!” He withdrew himself, OMG what was happening, why was this happening, to me? My mind was racing, I was in shock, I felt frozen, I couldn’t move, I didn’t know what to do, was it a dream? A nightmare? Did I ask for this?
I don’t remember him getting into bed with me, I don’t want this, I couldn’t scream, I did t know what he might do to me, so I stayed in the same foetal position, hoping he wouldn’t hurt me, I remember at some point he whispered in my ear “I wanna fuck you!” and “You’re naughty!” I was in shock, I didn’t want this man near me, I didn’t want to have sex! He made me touch his penis, he held my hand on it, and moved it up and down, it felt hard and hot, I felt disgusted, I didn’t want to touch him!
I took my hand away, and told him, “you better go to the bathroom and sort yourself out.” I didn’t want him to ejaculate anywhere near me, he went to the bathroom, I lay there thinking what the hell has just happened, I pulled up my pj bottoms as they’d been pulled down below my bottom, I thought, ok act normal, he won’t hurt me then, I sat up in bed, he came back and got into bed, we made chit chat about the night out, a few minutes later, my friend opened the door of the bedroom and looked at us both in shock, she then said “Oh, er morning, are you ok?” I said “Yes” and then she asked if we wanted a cuppa, we said “yes please” she went downstairs and we both got out of bed and he put his clothes on, and we went downstairs, the atmosphere was weird, I didn’t speak, I was in shock, he said he’d have to go and catch a train, so we said bye and he was gone.
My friend asked me if we’d had sex, and I said “No”, and to be honest I didn’t know what had happened or why. It wasn’t until a week later that I was thinking about that night and realised I’d been raped, I googled it, I was looking up things like unwanted sexual experiences, this expression doesn’t exist, everything pointed to rape which I didn’t want it to be. I tried to forget about it, I tried to deny it had ever happened, I felt ashamed, I felt dirty, I felt Guilty!
I got on with my life, I got a new job, I went on dates, I continued to go out, and act ‘normal’ until I met my future Husband, I knew he was right for me, we had such a laugh together, he looked after me, he valued me like no ther man ever has, it was when we’d been seeing each other for six months, (over a year after the event) I felt ‘ready’ to tell him what happened that night, he was obviously shocked and saddened, after discussing it at length with this two friends and my new chap, I eventually decided to report it to the Police, I knew it was the right thing to do, even though I was very scared, the Police were amazing, and the Counsellor at Rape Crisis, it was then that I started to suffer, I couldn’t go to work, I was getting flashbacks, I became paranoid and anxious, I wouldn’t/couldn’t leave the house, I thought ‘he’ was going to come into the house and kill me, it was horrendous, I kept this all from my parents, and to this day, they don’t know anything about it.
Finally my case went to Crown Court, two years after reporting it to the Police which was horrendous, I was on antidepressants, and had CBT therapy through the NHS to help my PTSD which was pretty bad, the trial lasted a week, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, stand up in court and answer detailed questions about that night and what happened, but it wasn’t fair, he paid for a Defence Barrister who grilled me, she tried to twist my account, it was terrible, I didn’t cry, but I wanted to vanish into a hole in the ground. He was found Not-Guilty, and since then, (almost a year since the trial) I’ve been able to start again with my life, to gradually become more confident and go out, me and my chap had a failed IVF cycle which was a blow, we also got married – and had the best day of our lives. We’ve been through the mill and come out the other side, I feel different since that night, a part of me died, but I’ve grown stronger, and more determined than ever before, to do what I want to do, I’m a fighter, I’m a Survivor, and I will not let this ruin me.