Shared Stories

I feel like everything is my fault

By an Anonymous Contributor

My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We have always had a explosive relationship since we were dating. There was always signs of controlling and jealousy from both ends of the relationship. But he would always victimize himself and turn tables as if I had everything to blame for. Unfortunately, it worked because til this day I feel like everything is my fault. I started noticing his insecurity after our 2 year of being married he would always bring up comments about I was going to leave his side after I finished my career he was always making sure I wouldn’t be talking to any guys or else he would be extremely suspicious. It wasn’t until I told him I was not ready to have a third child with him that I needed time to finish my career to think of a possible third baby. He started forcing himself on me I didn’t really know how to react because he was my husband but I did not feel good at all I felt like I had done something wrong to deserve this. My reaction was passive and submissive I have always let people do what they please with me and sadly when it came to the point of this whole dilemma it was my natural reaction. I started befriending a young man I knew from before and soon I caught myself in a love relationship with him. My feelings were mostly about feeling safe and protected which I felt with the young man. Soon after that I found myself pinned down on the bed trying to push myself up but unable to from underneath my husband. It had been the worst one yet and I definitely felt like I deserved it; it was my fault. The moment I tried to get myself untangled from his grip and couldn’t I let my mind drift away I turned my face away and felt warm tears run down my face at the same moment I was telling myself that I deserved it. I had it coming. Up until today I still feel like I am a bad woman.

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