By Apurva Singh
Hi! There is no reason to go anonymous and so I am writing down my story. I totally respect those people who have gone through extreme assaults and still living heads up. My story might not be that terrifying though but it left me stammering for the past 18 years. I was 5 when it all started. A man who was assigned to drop me and pick me up from school did it to me. I had given him blowjob for almost 8 months without having any idea what was it all about (I was 5 for God sake!). He used to ejaculate inside my mouth and forced me to gulp it all up and threatened that he would do it to my mother if I tell about it to anyone. Even me, as a kid, couldn’t explain what was happening to me everyday.
I remember it was independence day in India and he took me on his bike to my school and while coming back from school he was not in a mood I guess (fortunately!). He just told me to give him a hand job and hell I did it. Finally I got something that I can talk about to my mom and so I did. I came back home and told her what happened that day. She went numb and I remember her shivering and hugging me tightly. My father was in other city for his service training and he came back after 14 days.
Phones were not in fashion and hence she had to wait until my dad came back. For those 14 days, she walked me to school and picked me up as well. When my father returned, she told him and he lost his patience (obviously!). The servant was punished and rest I am still unaware of. The worst part is that I didn’t tell my parents about blowjob because I really didn’t know how to tell it to them.
It was 13 years later when I came to know the meaning of it but I still haven’t spoken to anyone in my family about it. It’s of no use as well because what’s gone is gone. It left a scar and no matter where I go, it brings out trauma every time I am among unknown people.
Till date, I move out of the room when the supporting staff (even ladies) come to clean it and its all unintentional. It wasn’t my fault but still I suffered and I stammer because of it till now. But I have improved a lot in past 5-6 years, thanks to my friends in my grad school. They are a blessing and my parents who believed in me and took action. I owe them because if they hadn’t reacted, I don’t know what would have happened to me because I stayed in that place for next three years with my family before my dad got transferred to other city.
I am an electrical engineer today and preparing for higher studies and doing pretty well in life but it comes back every time I hear or read about any 5-6 year old kid or 8- 9 months old baby getting raped. I still face assaults but they are verbal (only faces have changed). Either in gym, local bus, or in metro trains. I still get those lustful looks from guys. I have got a good physique with above average looks, pure Indian (no exaggeration and self obsession intended!) and I have been commented and stared at many instances. I hope it all ends someday and those men get some brains in them.