Shared Stories

20 Years Later

By an Anonymous Contributor

I remember parts of what happened like clips from a movie.  I still remember it was Spring of 1999 and I was 18 and a freshman at Cornell.  I remember I was partying hard, as usual, binge drinking and smoking pot.  I remember not many girls from Kappa came to the mixer.  I remember I went alone to see my old “friends.” I remember I stayed later than the other girls.  I remember realizing it was time to go home.  I remember waiting for the bus to go back to Class of 22.  I remember realizing I missed the last bus.  I remember going back inside and asking for a ride home.  I remember being told “I’m too drunk to drive,” repeatedly.  I remember I didn’t have money for a cab.  I remember thinking walking 20 minutes in the cold on the hilly road from Beta back to my dorm on West campus while wasted seemed like a bad idea. 

I remember being back in Beta on the tan textured couch upstairs in the 3rd floor common room talking.  By now I was very drunk and high.  I do not remember how many drinks I had or how much pot I smoked.  I remember I was with you and L. I remember early in the morning L finally went to bed leaving me alone with you.  I remember you suggested I stay over, so we walked from the common room to the bedroom you shared with D. and A.  I remember the room being messy.  I remember the position of your bed in the room, to the left of the door.  I remember your bed was wood.  I remember you said “you sleep in the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch.”  I remember looking up at you questioningly and I remember you saying “Nothing will happen.” 

I remember I trusted you. I remember thinking you were my friend.  I remember I climbed into your bed.  I remember the soft white sheets.  I remember feeling tired and wasted and relieved to be going to sleep.  I remember I went to sleep fully clothed in your bed and I remember you went to sleep, fully clothed on the couch.   I remember when I woke up, the sun was shining into your bedroom and onto the white sheets.  I remember I was naked in your bed. I remember that confusingly you were on top of me and I remember staring at your bare chest.  I remember you rubbing my naked body.  I remember I couldn’t comprehend how you had wound up there. 

I remember I was totally confused and scared and frozen.  I remember I whispered three words “use a condom.”  I remember being shocked because I didn’t undress myself.  I’m still confused to this day.  I remember you smiling at me.  I remember you rolling off me after you finished and removing the condom.  I remember I was relieved that it was over.  I remember both D. and A. were in the room that morning.  I don’t remember if S. was, as well.  I remember afterwards looking for my underwear. I remember we each put our clothes on and you drove me back to my dorm.  I remember just sitting in your car the sun reflecting off the console and I remember staring at the car seat, I remember I didn’t want to look at you.  I remember I was confused and wanted to cry.  I remember I burst into my dorm.  And I don’t remember any more.

I must have looked pale as a ghost and Abbie remembers asking me “What happened?”  She remembers I replied “I’m fine. I slept with E.”  She remembers saying “Are you okay?”  and “do we need to call the police?” She remembers I said no and then I took a very long hot shower.  You never called me again and Abbie remembers instead R. called her and asked what happened between you and I the night before.  She remembers R. telling her that you were bragging to the other brothers that you had fucked me.

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