By an Anonymous Contributor
I remember parts of what happened like clips from a movie. I still remember it was Spring of 1999 and I was 18 and a freshman at Cornell. I remember I was partying hard, as usual, binge drinking and smoking pot. I remember not many girls from Kappa came to the mixer. I remember I went alone to see my old “friends.” I remember I stayed later than the other girls. I remember realizing it was time to go home. I remember waiting for the bus to go back to Class of 22. I remember realizing I missed the last bus. I remember going back inside and asking for a ride home. I remember being told “I’m too drunk to drive,” repeatedly. I remember I didn’t have money for a cab. I remember thinking walking 20 minutes in the cold on the hilly road from Beta back to my dorm on West campus while wasted seemed like a bad idea.
I remember being back in Beta on the tan textured couch upstairs in the 3rd floor common room talking. By now I was very drunk and high. I do not remember how many drinks I had or how much pot I smoked. I remember I was with you and L. I remember early in the morning L finally went to bed leaving me alone with you. I remember you suggested I stay over, so we walked from the common room to the bedroom you shared with D. and A. I remember the room being messy. I remember the position of your bed in the room, to the left of the door. I remember your bed was wood. I remember you said “you sleep in the bed and I’ll sleep on the couch.” I remember looking up at you questioningly and I remember you saying “Nothing will happen.”
I remember I trusted you. I remember thinking you were my friend. I remember I climbed into your bed. I remember the soft white sheets. I remember feeling tired and wasted and relieved to be going to sleep. I remember I went to sleep fully clothed in your bed and I remember you went to sleep, fully clothed on the couch. I remember when I woke up, the sun was shining into your bedroom and onto the white sheets. I remember I was naked in your bed. I remember that confusingly you were on top of me and I remember staring at your bare chest. I remember you rubbing my naked body. I remember I couldn’t comprehend how you had wound up there.
I remember I was totally confused and scared and frozen. I remember I whispered three words “use a condom.” I remember being shocked because I didn’t undress myself. I’m still confused to this day. I remember you smiling at me. I remember you rolling off me after you finished and removing the condom. I remember I was relieved that it was over. I remember both D. and A. were in the room that morning. I don’t remember if S. was, as well. I remember afterwards looking for my underwear. I remember we each put our clothes on and you drove me back to my dorm. I remember just sitting in your car the sun reflecting off the console and I remember staring at the car seat, I remember I didn’t want to look at you. I remember I was confused and wanted to cry. I remember I burst into my dorm. And I don’t remember any more.
I must have looked pale as a ghost and Abbie remembers asking me “What happened?” She remembers I replied “I’m fine. I slept with E.” She remembers saying “Are you okay?” and “do we need to call the police?” She remembers I said no and then I took a very long hot shower. You never called me again and Abbie remembers instead R. called her and asked what happened between you and I the night before. She remembers R. telling her that you were bragging to the other brothers that you had fucked me.