I was upset after work one night in a foreign country and decided to make use of the free-flow bar I had access to. I messed up the job that night. I underestimated how much I knew this country although I have been there plenty of times before and I was late. My boss gave me an earful and I threw up my walls, my brain had stopped recording (or so I thought).
I turned to new friends I made that week, hoping to find comfort in friendship so I left the venue to meet them. By this time I had no control over my actions, I slurred the address to the cab driver and off we went. I arrived and I was given more to drink, in my upset I gladly accepted. Suddenly it was me and him. Suddenly I woke up naked next to him. I panicked. In my hazy state, I struggled to remember what happened and I panicked even more. Instead of letting that panic show, I pretended.
As I left to go back to my own accommodation, the haze on my brain slowly faded away and I started to remember bits and pieces. I remember saying that I felt very drunk, I slurred and giggled something about my boyfriend. I don’t remember asking you to rape me. Did I mention that I had a boyfriend?
I got back to my room and started crying. Crying and crying. I called my boyfriend and cried about what happened, but I didn’t get the response I expected at first. His defences went up due to being cheated on in the past. This was akin to that. I was to blame because I drank too much. But I don’t remember ever asking to be groped or kissed or raped. I was upset and so I drank. I didn’t want to be raped. I didn’t want to be raped. Why is it my fault to want to drink?
The saddest part of all this is…my assaulter doesn’t think he raped me. And neither does his group of friends. I do not dare call them my friends any longer. I was drunk, I was upset, I was taken advantage of and I was RAPED by your friend whom you cheered and congratulated and high-fived. Thanks to all of you, I will never trust a new face again. I have hesitated being alone even with old faces. My trust was abused and broken. You are all part of the problem. And I have become a victim of it.