It Was Only After That I Realised How Bad It Was

By Tegan

Mine happened at sixth form college, not uni, but I thought I would share it anyway, as I haven’t told many people about this, not even my parents. I was at a friend’s birthday party, and we were camping overnight in her garden as a few of us were from further afield so we stayed the night. A bunch of guys from her school stayed as well, even though we were told we would have the tent to ourselves. They ended up hotboxing the tent (charming) and then coming into sleep next to us. Needless to say, with three guys and three girls, it was a bit of a squish.

The next morning, I woke up and I felt really weird. It was a few seconds before I noticed that the guy next to me had his hand in my pants, just casually rubbing my vagina. I was horrified. I wasn’t sure what to do. I lay there paralysed for a few seconds before turning over quickly and saying something to him. He turned back around and went back to sleep and I decided to do the same. It was only until after they had gone when I told the other girls what happened that I realised how bad it was. I told a couple of close friends when I got home, one of whom told me to tell the police, but I just thought “why would the police care about something so trivial?”

I messaged one of the guys on Facebook to tell him what his friend had done. He just replied “I’m sorry, he does weird shit when he’s on a comedown”. And that was that. Nothing else came from it: I didn’t tell my parents or anyone else, and luckily I just got over it quite quickly. But from time to time I think about it and feel a bit gross, and wonder why it wasn’t such a big deal.

Shared Stories

“My Rapists”

I’ve become used to saying the word rape. I’m close to being able to drop it into everyday conversation. I’ve come a long way.

A term I am not comfortable with is ‘my’ rapists. Or ‘my’ attackers. They are rapists. They chose to rape me. They don’t deserve to ever lose that label.

But they are not mine.

When I lost that fight, they sickeningly took ownership of my body. They made me one of their victims.

If they were mine, if I ever had any control over them I would make sure they can’t rape anyone else. Unless I win this fight I don’t want anything to do with them. Unless I can prove that they made me their victim and a judge gives me the power to influence their future, no part of them is mine and I don’t want it to be.

Until then, they’re free to be anyone’s rapists.

Shared Stories

“Why can’t I drink as much as I want and still not get raped?”

By an Anonymous Contributor to the Campaign

I once wrote a line in a poem that “All of Southern California smells like the same boy.” And it’s true, it does, and it probably always will. Why can’t I get this one boy out of my head, even though years have gone by and I am happily with someone else? Because he sexually assaulted me.

For the longest time, I would have felt ridiculous to even call it that. Part of me still does, which just makes me angry. It is what it is, right?

He was a nice enough guy. Not that cute, and one of my close friend’s (AJ) good friends. We’ll call him X. AJ was best friends with X’s ex-girlfriend, who had just broken up with him for sleeping and subsequently getting chlamydia from a stripper. So it goes without saying he was not on the top of my to do list that night. But it was his birthday, so we drank and drank and I was so drunk, so drunk that it stands out to me as being one of my most drunken nights out I’ve ever had. We left the club, 4 of us altogether. AJ and a guy she met, and me and X. It was obvious that AJ wanted to hook up with her guy, and so it was suggested that all 4 of us head back to X’s place who lived alone. I was so drunk I don’t remember ever getting to his place or what happened in the moments leading up to what I do remember: this guy with his head in between my legs. It was a complete and utter violation and I felt that as it was happening. I felt it and I wanted to act but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t because I was shocked, because I was in and out of consciousness, because I wasn’t sure who I was with or where I was. It was all very just: shocking. And I remember the things he said to me…about how I was “tight” and now his words literally haunt me…follow me everywhere I go…and it doesn’t feel right to have this stranger’s voice constantly in my head.

The toughest was feeling like I didn’t belong in any kind of category. It was my fault, I was the one who drank so much alcohol, and who knows if when he asked (or if he ever did) for consent I said yes. I very well could have said yes, the problem being that I don’t remember. So who’s fault is it? The fault feels like mine, and still feels like mine, for getting too drunk. I was feeling so bad about it, especially since he had performed sex acts on me that no one ever had done before. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed and now even years later when I think about it the urge to hide my face in my hands and cry is strong.

After a few weeks of feeling awful I decided to tell a friend. Not the same friend that introduced me to him, but a different one. She immediately called it rape which completely threw me for a loop. I think I even told her “you’ve got to be kidding me.” But then it started to all add up…why I was feeling the way I was feeling…and then I felt worse. Why did I feel worse? Because it felt like I let my friend talk me into believing he raped me when he really didn’t. Was he really such a bad guy? Even though all signs pointed to yes, I still struggled to accept that. Maybe I had wanted him to do that stuff, even if I don’t remember, and who am I not to believe him if he says I wanted him to do it?

But I never gave him the opportunity to say anything. I never asked him what happened. I woke up the next morning naked and alone and afraid and managed to gather up all my belongings sans underwear and leave. AJ assumed I had as good as a night as her, and I let her believe it. I even blamed AJ more than X, because she was the one who trusted him and promised me he was a nice guy. I realize now the blame should go to no one, or to me. But not to me, so no one.

Do I have any advice? My advice seems sad. Don’t drink too much. What kind of advice is that? Why can’t I drink as much as I want and still not get raped?

I guess I’ll never know.

Shared Stories

The Impact Of Sexual Assaults

By an Anonymous Contributor to the Campaign
I have been sexually assaulted whilst intoxicated by 7 different men. 2 of them attempted to rape me.

On four occasions, even though I was drunk I told the men that I didn’t want to sleep with them and so they did other things to me and coerced me to do things without my consent.

On one occasion I was blind drunk and a man indecently assaulted me. I didn’t kiss him back and yet he continued to kiss me and I didn’t stop him until he started touching my breasts and then was trying to touch my vagina. I made an excuse to him that I needed to see my friend to and gave him my number because I was scared and wanted to get rid of him.

My first kiss was not consensual. I got into a guy’s bed just because I didn’t want to sleep on the floor like my friend, not because I wanted to do anything sexual with the man. He kissed me and for the most part I didn’t kiss him back or forced myself to kiss him back-the kiss was forced on me. He also dry humped me and would have raped me as he assumed I wanted to have sex with him and said he was going to get a condom. I had been very passive whilst he had touched me whilst I was in a state where I couldn’t give consent as I had had far too much to drink and this was impairing my ability to say no.

One situation was complicated. I consented to kissing a man I met after going to an event and then going for a drink with him but not him touching my breasts, vagina and bottom. I froze like in many instances when I have been sexually assaulted and was unable to do anything but I felt very uncomfortable.

The sexual assaults made me depressed and the final acceptance of the sexual assaults caused a nervous breakdown which made my depression even worse. I tried to go back to university for the next year but became suicidal to the point where I woke up thinking I wanted to take an overdose and so I had to take the year out to deal with my PTSD symptoms stopping me from going back.

Shared Stories

Two Contributors Talk About Self-Blame

There was a time I let go of myself….I had broken up with a long term partner but enjoyed feeling single again. I had my family & friends and with that came a great social life. On one typically great night out I met a man. He was tall, freckled and Irish. I didn’t need to know much about him and I told him enough about me for him to be interested that one evening. One thing led to another and before I knew it the sun was up, numbers were swapped and I was leaving. A while passed before we unintentionally bumped into one another again at a local bar. A similar night awaited us only this time he pulled up at my house a couple of hours later. A lot had been drunk that evening but it was clear what was about to be laid out on the table. However, I blacked out. When I woke up the next day, he was quick to leave. I went to get tea before remembering that he wanted to have sex without a condom and I said no. Surely it was left just like that? Literally, within minutes my phone was bleeping. I received a text saying to take the morning after pill. This 27 year old man, after being told I did not want to have sex with him without a condom, had gone and put a condom on, only to pull it off when I wasn’t looking. Such a situation makes it difficult to understand who should be blamed in today’s society. I took the blame. I laughed it off with friends but felt terribly stupid and violated beneath. What could I do? I didn’t know so I left it but realised many years later that I wasn’t alone and there are a number of women out there who have suffered the same fate I have but never had the courage to talk about it.

By an Anonymous Contributor to the campaign

My first time was a rape when I was 17 nearly 18. This had been my first experience with a guy. I was confused I didn’t tell my parents or friends till a few months had passed. And since around 18 till 25 or 26 I was floating from one abusive relationship to the other. Maybe in some ways I thought I deserved it the first assault because I met the guy or how I was dressed. I eventually got counselling in a rape crisis centre. Which helped another I stopped hating myself met my current partner and I am currently setting up my own business.

By an Anonymous Contributor to the campaign

Shared Stories

A Letter to My Rapist

Submitted by a Contributor to the #NotGuilty Campaign

Shared Stories

Poetry by Electra Rose

By Electra Rose

I am a fragile rose and my head is a broken balloon

I am a fragile rose-
my petals have been crushed
By cruel hands and words-
They lie dead on the floor.

I am told to hush hush-
Denial that my head is a broken balloon.

Collecting remnants of my troubled rose
Is halted each moment that I froze
In fright-
I thought someone was hurting me again that night.

Boys Will Be Boys

Shocked, confused,
ashamed.
No amusement
At the strike of embers.
Twelve and no reaction to their toot;
Insignificance of harassing shouts and toots.

Summer lesson
Of the place of women;
Men may whistle, shout and toot
But to women it’s all a hoot.
Pretend you aren’t burnt
by the embers
As they’re only embers.
Shrug it off;
That’s just how it is.
We all learn;
Boys will boys.

Fourteen and at a school dance
After a glance
A boy puts his hand up my skirt-
I didn’t even flirt.
I stop him and pretend I’m not burnt by the embers
As they’re just embers.
Shrug it off;
That’s just how it is,
We all learn;
Boys will be boys

I’m eighteen and seriously sexually assaulted,
I didn’t view it as assault.
When you try not to remember
When the embers
Hit you
You think nothing of the flames
When they burn you.
Shrug it off;
That’s just how it is,
We all learn;
Boys will be boys.

Society taught me women are dolls for men to play with.
I thought it was okay for them to play with me,
To tug my hair without my consent.

We need to stop normalising verbal sexual abuse
If we want to stop viewing physical sexual abuse
As inevitable
And trivial.
Embers are the start of a flame.

You shredded my soul

You shredded my heart, soul and body
And unvaryingly left
My broken paper on the floor
With your forceful, unwanted violation.

A revelation-
I’m not really okay
As my heart is sobbing inside,
My soul is crying for life,
For hope I will stop half dying inside
And move on with my life.

I can’t and won’t let you defeat me-
I am a warrior and I will keep fighting until the end.

I wish I never made you art

I wish I never made you art
Because you shattered me-
You violated me with your dart.

How dare you spoil me
And break my heart.

The Ultimate Betrayal

Betrayal when you broke down my bedroom door
Without my consent.

You left my sky blue crystal eyes
Disorientated, confused, overwhelmed.

Uncertainty clouded my mind
As I walked through my maze inside.

As the days went by
My uncertainty disappeared-
Denial phase was over-
I was raped.

Now I must get out of my maze
And it will take time
But I am like a rose-
Both strong and fragile.
They never plucked my petals,
They just bruised me.
My strength will save me from despair.

Forceful Night
Acceptance shrouded my sky in dark black clouds.
Gone is my sapphire sky-
Now all that exists is night.
The night he forefully gave me against my will.
How will I ever get day to return?

Stockholm Syndrome
That very first day our eyes first met
I had to talk to you,
I showed you the way
So you didn’t go astray.

The truth is that I have never been as forward with anyone,
That night when I said “we should revise French together”.
Except I was too drunk to know what I was saying
And I never thought I liked you

Later I wanted to talk to you more but I became shy every time
lost the will to speak,
Didn’t know what to say
I think now it is because of
What you did to me,
I just thought I liked you.
I wonder if you know
My mouth hurt the day after.

I can’t believe I wanted to have sex,
Watch a French film and eat dinner.
With you
After what you did to me,
How you treated me.
Now I know what you did wasn’t right
You really gave me a fright
As I lay there wishing you to stop
To stop now
To stop kissing me so violently.

I thought you were like me
But just because you’re similar to me
Doesn’t excuse what you did

I felt the sexual tension in the air,
noticed when you arranged your hair

I just focused on that moment where you held me and I was glad
Because no one ever held me,
So I ignored when you made me feel bad,
I ignored the fact you committed digital rape,
That’s right in some states in America what you did is rape
And I told you, “please be more gentle, you’re hurting me”
When all I wanted to say was stop
But I was too intoxicated to say the word stop
Because I never wanted that to happen
And yet you hurt me again
And I had to say it again
And move your hand away

What you did to me was not okay
You took advantage of me
And used me for your own pleasure.
I am not a commodity to be used.
You shall not be excused
For what you did

It was not my fault
What you did was not okay
And I was too used to men taking advantage at every stage
When I was not in a state to know what was going on
And all I ever wanted was to be walked home
Or have a chat
I don’t know why I lied to myself and said I was like that
I am not like that

Now I know why I felt so confused in the morning
And asked myself “what happened?”
And decided to leave straight away
And didn’t want you to walk me home
And didn’t let you walk me all the way home
And didn’t want to text you
Because of what you did.
I now accept what you did.
I hope you realise what you did

Rape Is Murder

Virginal rape is murder of innocence.
Rape is murder of the body,
Rape is murder of the sexuality,
Rape is murder of the soul,
Rape is murder of the heart.
Picking the petals of roses
Without the consent of the beautiful rose is sexual assault.
Ripping the head of a rose off unlawfully is rape.

Shared Stories

“What can a mother do to make this right?”

By Biddyshere Williams

3 months ago my lovely daughter lost her friends on her way home. She was attacked and raped by a stranger. His Uncle stumbled on to the scene and called the police. My daughter ran home. She did not want to pursue with charges. However after hearing of your campaign, she did. After 6 weeks of anti HIV drugs and losing time off work because the drugs made her feel so ill (unpaid) the case came to court and the 18 year old with previous convictions for violence and anti social behaviour was found not guilty. He broke bail conditions twice. My daughter is going to move from her small town because she is afraid of what may happen if she bumps into him. She was brave. She did nothing wrong. The police were shocked at the verdict. He will do it again. What can a mother do to make this right?

Shared Stories

Date Rape

By Catherine

I had a lunch date with a guy I really liked and then went back to his house. We were kissing and then I told him I was a virgin and he said that that was fine and we would do whatever I was comfortable with. We continued kissing and started undressing. We were half naked and he put me on my back and came towards me slowly, didn’t say anything and forced himself on me. I pushed him off me halfway through and he asked me if I was sad.

The acceptance of the rape shattered me. I became extremely depressed and suicidal and almost jumped in front of a train. I had to be hospitalised and started a suicide attempt in hospital. The rape combined with my bipolar disorder made for an extremely traumatic and difficult two months.

I was blamed by people who told me that if you get naked with a guy you should expect them to have sex you. I was also told that as I liked him and I dated him, although he forced himself on me, it “didn’t count” as rape.

I asked him if we had had sex when I met up with him a time after, as I was in denial about the rape and had tried to convince myself I had consented. I also think it was because I had been sexually assaulted in the past and so had skewed ideas about consent. I asked him after dinner and once we in his house if we had had sex and he said no. I then got very sad and cried a lot. I asked him eventually what he was thinking and he said he was scared and that he forced himself on me and attempted to rape me. I told him that it wasn’t attempted rape but rape due to the fact penetration occurred.