Shared Stories

I am #NotGuilty

By an Anonymous Contributor

I’d met up with my ex boyfriend for a friendly drink one Friday night. He needed somewhere to stay, and we were on very good terms so I offered him my flat. We got a little tipsy, but nowhere out of control. We walked back to my flat, and I had to go straight to bed as I was so tired. I’ve been suffering with chronic fatigue for a while now as a result of an auto-immune disease, and so I could barely talk at this point – I just needed to get into bed and to sleep as soon as possible! He lay down with me, and I curled up and drifted off. Moments later I became aware of his hands pulling me closer, running up and down my body. He kissed me on the forehead, and then the cheek, and then once on the mouth. He mumbled “are you awake”, to which I couldn’t respond. I was just on the cusp of falling asleep and I hoped if I didn’t reply he would just leave me alone – normally if I admitted to being awake he would want to have a conversation and I was just too tired. But he kept going. He kissed me again, his hands becoming firmer around my and pulling me against his body. Before I knew what was happening his fingers were in my mouth, pulling it open, trying to kiss me harder and harder. I could feel him everywhere – his fingers in my mouth, his hand on intimate parts of me, he was everywhere, pulling my tshirt up, holding me so I couldn’t turn away. He rolled over and pushed himself up and over me, propped up on one arm – it was at this moment I managed to pull myself together enough to say “what are you doing”, to which his reply was “Oh just turning over”. I rolled over and went to sleep, putting as much distance between us as possible. I fell asleep instantly, and woke up in the morning to him telling me how quickly I had fallen asleep last night, and how I hadn’t moved all night, almost over-emphasising the fact that he thought I had been asleep the whole time. I confronted him later that day after realising what what happened was NOT okay, and that it made me feel disgusting. He cried and the last thing he said to me was “I’m not a rapist”. I am #NotGuilty. I did not consent at any point and it took me a while to come to terms with the fact that just because I didn’t push him off me or scream ‘no’, it does not make any of that behaviour acceptable or okay. I’m now terrified to fall asleep next to anyone again – it was an abuse of trust that I can’t forgive or forget.

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